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July 2008



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Jul. 11th, 2008


New job

I almost feel guilty about working 32 hours a week and going to school full time. In a way, I wish I could hold both jobs and school at the same time, just so I could feel like I'm doing all I can.  Keeping my 4.0 will be my second job.

Tony says he wants to do all the household chores, so he will feel useful. I don't expect him to be a housewife. I don't want him to be one. I want him to do what he can, and be well. I hope to be able to afford some acupuncture for him, as well as a gym membership. I think lifestyle changes would do him a world of good, with his depression and anxiety, if not for his migraines.

I itch. It's not as bad the hives, but it's annoying. I hope it doesn't get worse. I don't want steroids.

Jul. 8th, 2008


Tuesday rain

It's raining today. I don't know yet if T has a migraine from it. He and Ybor both seem to be better down here in the basement when it storms, and I have to admit that in spite of the close quarters, and my dislike of being in the dark, I kind of like spending time down here with all four us, nice and peaceful.

I have four resumes out and I hope I hear something about one of them today. I really need something to happen on the job front.

My grandma and Brian seem to be doing all right. I think they had already come to acceptance. Tony's family is beginning to talk much more openly about his grandma's condition and that's so much healthier than ignoring it. She probably won't live much longer. She seems to get weaker every day, the poor thing. I wonder if her will leaves everything to Gene, or if the grandkids will get their inheritance from her. It's terrible when someone has to die so you can get money.

Jul. 7th, 2008


Food is my friend and my enemy.

It's so much easier for me to control my eating patterns when my days are structured and I'm out of the house. When I eat at specific times, and only what I've pre-planned and brought with me, I can keep from eating things I don't need. Also, working around food makes it hard to listen to my hunger - I eat because things taste good, not because I'm hungry. Or I get too hungry and eat crap. 

I lost weight this past school year. I've gained about 4 pounds back because I've been eating pretty indiscriminately, and not exercising because of my problems with my feet and legs. The bursitis(?) has eased off. It burns, but doesn't keep me awake all night. 

I know I'm eating this way because I'm stressed and anxious. If I find a way to deal with that, the gorging will stop. I can't stand to be hungry, and I was doing so well with portion control. It doesn't take much to blow that. I will get back on track. I won't let T blow all our food stamps the first week, so we can keep eating fresh vegetables.

Jul. 6th, 2008


I need a new something

I need a new job, or a new place to live, or a new life, or at the very least, a new journal. 

I've been feeling pretty rotten lately, somewhat desperate and hopeless, and that really bothers me. I need my mojo back. Maybe I need some honesty, and somewhere to let out my negativity and really be myself.

I need the place in this userpic. A blue chair and lots of flowers. Somewhere to just be, and not be immersed in the history of my other journal, or the online persona I've hidden behind all these years. I don't want to be anyone other than me anymore. 

It suddenly turned to summer today. It's been cool and wet more than a month longer than usual, but today it got hot and humid. It's stifling upstairs. I can't sleep in that heat, more so than I dread sleeping on the horrible bed down here in the basement. Maybe fewer storms will mean T's migraines will get better. It's hard for me to stay positive and motivated when all I hear from him is how worthless he is and he doesn't want to live. No wonder I've been eating much more than usual. 

I really need for one of these jobs I've applied for to pan out for me. I can't stay in this rut - not to mention we're going to get kicked out of here if we don't get caught up on the rent. The situation makes me so stressed out and ashamed. I miss talking to my best friend!